The Humility of Being New

Last week, I had a sadness problem.  It began when I went to visit a good friend from childhood/high school, who lives what I thought was a reasonable distance away in another city in Illinois.  That is a good thing, yes, but after wrong turns on roads that have both numbers and names that are used interchangeably, paying far too many tolls, road construction, lost cell phone signal and ensuing lostness, I felt that she lived too far away to see regularly (which isn't true, it's just how I felt).  It was like I got a taste of intimacy and familiarity but then I had to rush back to pick up my kids and find out that one of my kids had broken his finger while goofing off in class and they hadn't been able to get ahold of me (due to lack of cell phone coverage) and I felt embarrassed and alone and insecure.  Then I had an awkward experience with some parents that left me crying in the car... and to top it off, my buddy Jeremy was too busy to even say "hi" (which again isn't true but just was how I felt).  At the height of my low-ness--wait, and the lowest of my low-ness and loneliness (sorry, now I am just having fun with alliteration), I got an email from a new friend asking if I needed any help and offering to meet and get to know each other better.  Because I tend to be self-centered, I began thinking about how she was just reaching out to me because I was new, and how I couldn't trust anyone because any nice-ness was probably just pity and altruism, not real friendship or connection. I was feeling really Eeyore-ish.

Thankfully, it didn't take too long to realize my pride and double standard in the way I was thinking.  I have reached out to others in the past--let's face it--because they were new.  Some of those intentional first-connections lead to real relationships, and even if they didn't, I found joy in welcoming a new person and helping them to feel comfortable, even if they found closer friends in other settings.  I suddenly felt thankful that others had allowed me to serve them in that way...it truly brings me joy to reach out to new people.  I realized that there is a humility to being new...I am at the mercy of others and their kindness.  I am not so special and amazing and sparkly that people would flock to me asking to be my BFF...I have to start slow like everyone else and accept the kindness of others.  And I have to trust that real friendships will come in time.  God always provides, friendships included, and I can't fast-forward through the slow starts and insecure first impressions--which are always how even the greatest friendships begin.   (a few hours later, Jeremy invited me to lunch and let me dump all my junk on him for 2 hours and boy, did that do wonders to my soul :))

Here is evidence that the kids are making friends, which makes my heart happy.

The past month or so has been a time of ups and downs as we move on through life in our new home and get used to our new routines.  The house hasn't fallen apart and rodents haven't chewed through the walls, so I finally have accepted it as home (though I still groan when I look at the kitchen floor and I just can't even clean the pink bathroom with much more than a half-hearted wipe-down...it's just so ew and tacky).  The musty smell coming from the moldy downstairs bathroom has subsided a bit and we are not all dying from respiratory infections.  I have even had a few guests over which has also done wonders for my soul!  (Jeremy said for me to leave a hammer and tape measure sitting out conspicuously so that no one would think we actually "like" the awkward parts of our house...you know, send the message that it's a work in progress...good idea, surprised I didn't think of it!).  My mom came to visit and it was nice to have her say that our home was home-y and cute, even though it has its problems.

We welcomed her with deep-dish Chicago pizza, of course.  One of my favorite things in our new house is not the chandelier in the dining room.  But on the wall in the dining room, I put a bunch of random travel pictures in random frames I had and I love it.  It makes me feel like all the upheaval is worth it when I see a visual representation of the rich life I've lived so far.

My mom and I did some touristy stuff, like exploring downtown Chicago, eating popcorn, and going on an architectural boat tour on the river.  It was so interesting!  Chicago is a fascinating city...I won't tell you any of the stories because you need to just come visit us and see for yourself!

My mom was here for Grandparents Day, which is a thing here.  It is a very smart thing because they have a book fair on the same day and let me just say, those grandparents were great customers!  Evan is on student council, so he was a host/tour guide and wore his little suit.  I didn't get a picture because I didn't want to interrupt him from the cute and serious job he was doing.  

My mom got to be the Mystery Reader in Annie's class, also.  Mystery Reader is also a thing here. On Fridays, a special guest shows up to read a book to the class.  My mom read one of my favorite books, "A Special Trade" to the class and didn't even cry!  I did.

We had some nippy weather while my mom was here, which was a little unusual because the rest of the fall has been gor-ge-ous!  My mom said she was glad it was cold because it was a nice break from So Cal heat.

Chicago Dogs was on my list of things I wanted to share with my mom (I hadn't had one yet, either) and so I elbowed my way to the Free Hot Dog table at a local fall festival and stuffed some in my purse.  They weren't very good.  I later found out they were left over from the snack bar at the city pool which closed a couple months ago.  No wonder.  So Chicago Dog is still on my list.

These two.

 Oh, but before the "up" of having my mom visit, we had the "down" of Sam having his appendix out.

 It always feels strange to walk out of a hospital after you have been inside for a day or two--strange to see the sun out and birds chirping and people carrying on with their daily activities and totally unaware that you have just had a sort of life-changing experience.  It felt especially strange to come out of the hospital and to be in a new city that I was still getting to know and that definitely didn't feel like home.  Big sigh on that one.

We have found a lot of fun places to explore, which is an up for sure!  The kids are at a fun age for exploring...I am thankful for that.

Here we are at a cool military museum in a beautiful park near Wheaton College.  There are so many tanks to climb on!

 And an arboretum which was fun and beautiful even though most of the leaves had fallen already.

 And of course, the park by our house which is always where the kids want to go, no matter what other adventures await.

 So...the house is still painted the most boring color you could think of and the laundry room is still the scary dungeon that I can't bring myself to look into the corners of for fear of what I might find there, but it has been easy to be thankful, even on days when I feel a little glum.  There is a resolve in what we came here to do, and 15 years of marriage has made us strong.  And we still have a Good Shepherd who leads us beside still waters and finds green pastures for us in the midst of the valleys and all the evil in the world.  I am thankful that he restores my soul, even when I am far from "home"...wherever that is.

The Chicago Post

So here we are in Chicago-land...it has been almost 2 months and it is still taking some getting-used-to.  For the first month or so, it felt hard to open my heart to really enjoy myself.  I wasn't really thinking about where we came from (just sort of pretending to not care that I missed people and places--a forced numbness, I suppose...a defense mechanism, some would say) and not really allowing my heart to embrace the charm of the new place.  I would see something pretty, like the Prairie Path that extends for miles of beautiful walking/jogging/bike riding or the uniqueness of each house in a style totally different than Orange County housing tracts,but I would sort of dismiss them as No Big Deal.  I would be taking in the sights and sounds of different ethnic groups represented in the grocery store and trying new food items and start to get kind of excited, and then sort of shut off my heart and think about all the work we had to do on our ugly house that didn't feel like home.

The Prairie Path

Example of a cool house in Lombard, Il--definitely not our house (and, in my research for this blog post, I found out that this house was the model used for the mansion in the Little Orphan Annie comic strip)  (I also found out that the Unabomber is the most famous person born in Lombard, Il) 

Wheaton College...practically a castle!

But, I can say, that lately, I have begun to allow this place to grow on me.  I still get confused about where I am...thinking that I feel an earthquake or asking a student at Wheaton if he went to Biola (true story), and I still am trying to figure out the subtleties of how people relate and get to know each other (one person totally asked me if I was a psychologist because I guess I was asking too many get-to-know-you questions.  My bad, sorry).  I accidentally told my nice neighbor that he was my best friend here (joking about how I didn't know many people but he had helped us move some furniture and our kids had played a couple times) and then I didn't see him for weeks.  Oops.  But people are in general, friendly and easy to talk to.  Sometimes they even smile and wave, even though they don't know you...it's nice, albeit confusing.  The kids' school is really nice and homey...not quite the same as the more high-pressure, competitive undercurrent of our last school (or So Cal in general), but really really nice.  

I think the change in me started to happen when we went downtown for my birthday and walked around for miles and miles (thanks for being good sports, kids!).  It truly is a beautiful city...and it smells like rich, wonderful, chocolate brownies sometimes when the wind is blowing right. True story...we were walking around and wondering when we were going to come upon a bakery, and then later learned (from friendly people on the street who were also following their noses) that there is a large chocolate factory in downtown. Awesome. A far cry from the lovely odor of Purina dog food that often wafts through Flagstaff, AZ.  Here are some photos from my birthday day.

This is the story of my life.  But I wanted to show you the inside of Gino's East, one of the famed deep-dish pizza locales that is recommended by everyone.  You can autograph the wall.

This is also the story of my life.  Moving on.

Who would have guessed that the views of buildings out the window while you eat would be so exciting? It's the charm of Chicago, I guess!

Thank you, Evan, for taking my picture.

Sorry, one more buildings shot, it is just so pretty!

 We found a park that had been recommended to us...it is called Maggie Daley park and it is maybe the most awesome park we have been to. The kids and I had just watched "Hook" and I felt like we were in the Lost Boys hideaway.  I even went down the big crazy silver slide.  I guess in the winter, you can ice skate all around the curving pathways that surround the park.

The kids loved the park almost as much as I did :)

Long shadows time of day...my favorite part of the day (except for coffee-drinking time).  The surreal moment when you are walking under the El, just like you always saw in the movies and wondered how it worked to have traffic and pedestrians using the space under the railway.

 The other ways that this place has begun to work its way into my heart is in the nature we have discovered...

Outdoor areas like this are called Forest Preserves here.  There are many of them all over the Western suburbs.  We are enjoying exploring them.

(Annie is not falling headfirst into the water, don't worry)

...and in the fact that we are beginning to have friends.  We found a really great church, and the pastor's kids go to our kids' school.  We even traveled up to Wisconsin yesterday for a church-related event and enjoyed getting to know some of the people more closely (though I didn't feel comfortable grabbing them for a selfie quite yet...I don't want to be seen as that pushy lady from CA in addition to asking too many questions :) )

Here is a list of recent Chicago discoveries and observations, if you please:

• The Suburbs:  Each town in the suburbs is called a village.  You can only get a library card for your own village library.  Every village has a main street.  There is also something called a township that I am not sure about.  Oh, and we found a product in the store that said it was made in Chicago-ish, referring to one of the villages, so I was right on!
• Traffic:  There are few cul-de-sacs in this place.  Every street is a through street, mostly, and even the bigger streets have houses with driveways right on them.  In So Cal, it seems that most neighborhoods are a little more protected from through traffic--with an official entrance and exit--and the bigger streets are lined with walls or shops.  Also, roads randomly become highways (and I am not totally sure of the terminology of highways/freeways/tollways here yet--I know people from the LA area are made fun of in other places for naming our freeways and calling them "The 5" "The 605" etc.).  Roads also become toll roads and I am always nervous that I won't have the right change.
• Weather:  This is an important topic of conversation here.  Everyone, I kid you not--everyone who hears that we came from CA apologizes to us (see, Midwesterners are so polite).  I have only met a few people who admit that they like the winter.  Everyone else can't believe we would leave the place they dream of in February to come to the place of bitter cold winters.  We have been warned that the sun refuses to shine for weeks on end and how to gauge the level of coldness by how quickly our nose hairs freeze (true story, often referenced in conversation).  It is an interesting time for us, because the weather has been truly beautiful (while everyone has been suffering in extremely hot temps in CA) but I always feel like people are reminding me of the Big Bad Boogeyman Winter that is breathing down our necks on the heels of autumn. I kind of laugh inside thinking of how much our friends in So Cal liked to talk/complain/blame illnesses on the weather...especially when I read in the school handbook that student crossing guards would be relieved of their duties only if the temperatures got below ten degrees, but that the adult guards would still be at their posts.  Yikes!
• Revolving Doors:  You have to become adept at using revolving doors here...keeping out the cold air is of utmost importance.  Yes, my children are the ones without any revolving-door-etiquette and are guilty of squishing each other and old ladies and trapping fellow passengers inside.  We're working on it, folks.
• Shopping:  Oh, it was a sad day when I went to my first grocery store and saw the high prices for California strawberries and citrus fruits and the lackluster supply of salsa or tortillas.  But the frozen pizza aisle?  Oh my!  The frozen pizzas get their own whole aisle and there are so many brands I have never heard of!  Since my first few trips, I have discovered other stores that have better produce at lower prices.  And the apples here are delicious!  My favorite grocery store is called Caputo's and it is Italian (though it has products from all over the world at great prices).  It is a small chain, just in the Chicago area and has hot Italian food and deep dish pizza, homemade pasta for you to prepare at home, a full in-store bar, samples of fresh mozzarella and breads and wines and produce (and in the research for this blog post, I found out that they sell their famous pizza dough, too!  Score!).  The line at the huge deli uses a "take a number" system and the whole thing intimidates me but people are pretty serious about their deli meat here!  I make a goal of bringing something new home to try every time I go.  They even have lovely Italian music playing and a catchy Frank Sinatra-esque jingle that plays every once in a while--"Caputo's, Caputo's...I love this store!"  My sentiments exactly.  On the flip side, they have a super cheap store called Aldi here that keeps their prices down by having no fancy displays, making you bag your own groceries and put a quarter in the cart release that you get back when you return your cart to the rack.  
• Food (actually mostly about Pizza): local pizza places here are like Mexican food in So Cal (let's not talk about Mexican food...I am too afraid to try it here).  Everyone has their favorite pizza.  There are little shops all over, all claiming to be "The Best Pizza in Chicagoland!"  Many of them are just named Connie's Pizza or Nancy's Pizza or Pizza by Irene, but I tend to lean more toward buying pizza at places with names like Giordano's or Lou Malnati's or Gino's...just sounds right.  So far, my favorite Chicago style pizza is...(drum roll)...Tony's pizza in Placentia (my hometown in CA).  My other favorite pizzas are: Fratelli's in Flagstaff and for carry-out, Porky's in Placentia as well.  Oh, and there was that time Jeremy and I each ate our own whole medium pizzas with a knife and fork at a random restaurant on the slopes while snowboarding in the Italian Alps.  That was pretty good pizza.  So, I have liked the pizza here okay, just haven't been wowed yet.  Alas, I must keep trying and tasting.  Some other foods I love here are Italian beef sandwiches and the Burger/Ice cream (or frozen custard) joints...they are my favorite!  And of course we've eaten at Portillo's and loved it!

We are working on table manners with Sam, I promise.  It's slow-going, but we're persevering.

• Miscellaneous Observations:  There are noisy cicadas in the trees in September, lots of bees and hornets, busy busy busy squirrels hoarding food for winter (not like the squirrels in our yard in Fullerton that seemed like they had nothing to do except make mischief, living the charmed Southern CA squirrel life).  Some animal has taken up residence under our front porch, which was a mixed blessing because they chased out the hornets that had been living there which had terrorized us and the neighbor kid.  But, our new guests are not welcome, either, and I am wondering what will happen if they get cold and hungry in the middle of the winter and try to come inside. I might have to use my frying pan as a weapon again, like I did with another furry intruder years ago. There are lots of thunderstorms here--yet the lightning just flashes like a camera flash, instead of dramatically slicing through the sky and hitting the ground like in an Arizona monsoon.  And tornado drills--that's a new thing, too!  Oh, and the kids' school is two-story and they have lockers--even first grade Annie. The school is totally closed and locked--parents are rarely allowed inside and must be buzzed in after being seen on a video monitor.  It makes it a little hard to meet other parents, but I've gotten to know a few on the playground after school. I am not sure how we are going to handle all the winter gear issues when winter comes...especially our oldest child who is not so great at keeping track of his stuff or cleaning out his locker.  The kids don't play handball or tetherball here, but football during recess is the big thing.  We aren't Bears or Cubs or White Sox fans yet, which is probably not a good idea, but I'm sure we will after drinking the Kool Aid for a while (though it appears you definitely have to choose between Cubs and Sox--you can't like both).

• The Lake:  We have now seen the lake (Lake Michigan) a few times and it is definitely big and blue and dotted with sailboats.  It almost looks like the ocean...but it just doesn't smell right. The kids aren't convinced that the beach is the beach even though it looks like a beach and is called The Beach.

It kind of reminds me of that old movie "The Truman Show" with Jim Carey where he doesn't know that he is the star of an elaborate reality tv show and his town and the ocean are just part of a closed set. In the final scene, he sails to the edge of the set and finds a giant blue wall with clouds painted on it.  That's just how I feel looking at the lake--because it does look so much like the ocean but something in my brain knows it's not.

The Truman Show

In this photo, Evan is playing catch with some new friends on our trip to Kenosha, Wisconsin.  In the background is a charming lighthouse and Lake Michigan.  Still somehow reminds me of the Truman show...but I was loving the lack of crowds and relaxing pace of the day.  Oh, and the day ended with a sampling of 4 different kinds of Racine Kringle, the official State Pastry of Wisconsin, of course.

Fall:  Fall is a big deal here, along with decorating houses for Halloween.  It's mostly fun except for a few over-the-top front yards with dismembered baby dolls and mannequins being killed in all sorts of fashions.

An observation not related to Chicago, per-say, but desperately important:  I need to work on my kids' "posing-for-pictures" skills, stat.

So I guess this is how things go.  Sights, smells, sounds, tastes, beginning to make a house a home, and the first few glimpses of friendship do wonders to the heart in a new place.  In the process, my heart has begun to remember the places we have left, which can be met with intense sadness and longing, but it is good to be blessed with so many places and people to love.  We were sharing our process of feeling more settled and happy with our pastor/friend, and he said, "Well, we are really glad you are here.  It feels like such a good fit to have you with us, and it is an honor to be on the receiving end of your journey.  It's like we missed you, even though we didn't know you yet."