Fearful and Wonderful

It seems that the last few weeks of life in the Lundgren household has been full of emotions: the ups and downs of dealing with little sleep and 2 preschoolers + a new baby, dealing with conflict and hurt feelings, the excitement of preparing for a new MOPS year, the strain of Jeremy's new seminary schedule (2 whole days in Phoenix followed by a long work day=frazzled mother and 2 kids desparately in need of a "wrastle" with Daddy), and just yesterday the added fun of another fried cell phone for me. But, the strongest emotional experience has been the death of a friend's baby and the resulting lessons/struggles/fears/thankfulness that I feel because of it.

Some of you remember that I wrote about visiting a friend, Tanya, in the NICU in Phoenix after her baby had been born at 28 weeks with some serious health problems. Baby Leah passed away last week and we went to her funeral last night here in Flagstaff. She was 5 months old.

Tanya and I had been pregnant together--I think her due date was just 6 weeks ahead of mine. Our church secretary is close to both Tanya and I and was so excited for both of our babies--always talking about us to each other and comparing our belly sizes (oh, a pregnant lady's favorite topic of conversation: analysis of her belly size :)). When we heard that Tanya was having complications and had to have a C-section at 28 weeks, we were shocked, especially because this was a surprise pregnancy for Tanya and Rob (their other 2 kids are in 6th and 9th grades) and it had taken some getting used to--and now this?! Leah was airlifted to Phoenix because of some health problems.

In the following weeks, we would hear updates on baby Leah and Tanya, who was now basically living at the hospital in Phoenix while her husband and 2 kids continued life in Flagstaff. Some updates were encouraging, and others discouraging. I was at Tanya's close friend's house when Tanya called to say Leah was diagnosed with cystic fibrosis...what? This new setback on top of everything else? We cried and prayed with Tanya. Leah endured multiple surgeries, breathing treatments, and had lots of scary times of not breathing, but always seemed to pull through. At the time Tanya was enduring all of this, I was setting up Annie's nursery and getting ready for her arrival. I spent a lot of time thinking about the Buckley's situation and realizing that nothing is promised in life except that God is faithful. I couldn't imagine setting up a nursery and getting baby things ready and then not being able to bring home your baby, but I kept just having to put my fears in God's hands.

Jeremy and I had a few opportunities to visit Tanya and Leah in the hospital. Each time, I was overwhelmed with the medical issues they had to deal with. But, at the same time, I was so touched by the love and commitment Tanya showed to that little baby. She just lived for the moments she got to hold Leah, and I saw her be so proactive in helping the nurses and cleaning up Leah's bed and making sure she had everything just right. I saw the heartbreak on Tanya's face when a curt nurse informed her that her first skin-to-skin holding session had to be cut short because of the nurses' shift change. I heard doctors come in and deal devastating blows in casual conversation..."Leah's lungs are the worst I've seen in all my years of practice", etc. I couldn't imagine what it would be like to be a mother and hear those words...I knew how thankful and proud I would feel when the doctors would tell me that Annie's heartbeat was great or that she must be smart because she was already head down--mothers love hearing "praise" of their baby. I just couldn't imagine how Tanya could keep such a good attitude. After one doctor said that Tanya should prepare herself for the future, to "not get so upset", she turned to me while stroking Leah's hair and said, "What else am I supposed to do? She's here and she's alive. I HAVE to fight for her. I'm her mother!" To me, watching what the Buckley family sacrificed for baby Leah was evidence of us not being the mere result of a biological accident (evolution) but creatures designed in the image of a loving God. How else could someone love a helpless little baby who required so much except for the fact that God loves us in the same way and he put that quality inside of us. It was so touching at the funeral to hear the family talk about what a blessing Leah was to them, not just how much they blessed her by caring and fighting for her.

There were so many touching moments at the service last night...just seeing the tiny pink casket, hearing the words of a mom whose baby was next to Leah in the NICU and had become close friends with Tanya, and the slideshow that showed pictures of the family on a blanket outside of the hospital in the last hours of Leah's life (she had never been outside before that)--eyes red with tears but smiling and talking to her...I could imagine all the love they were giving her and the last words a mother would say to her dying baby. I was touched when Tanya hugged me afterward and said there were some things that they had bought for Leah that she wanted me to have. I was relieved that the whole family is back together at home again (well, that's the bittersweetness--it's not the whole family anymore, Leah will always be missed). I thought our pastor handled the service well, sharing about how death entered the world and how good God is even in situations like this. One my favorite things he said was a story he told about a couple that had lost a young child and was struggling even a year later to deal with their grief. They decided to go on a trip to the holy lands to get away and try to find some perspective. While on a bus tour in the countryside, they saw a shepherd trying to get a flock of sheep across a ditch. The sheep weren't budging, so the shepherd went and picked up a lamb and put it on the other side of the ditch. Immediately, the mother jumped across and the rest of the flock followed. The man turned to his wife and said, "We can go home now. I understand. God took our little lamb to be with Him, so that our hearts would follow in that direction." God is so good!

Ever since this situation happened, I have been thinking about how the Bible says we are fearfully and wonderfully made. The human body is so intricate and health problems are so devastating, and yet even little Leah had a purpose and gave reason to praise God. And the fierce love of Tanya and all the Buckleys is more evidence of how wonderfully made we are! Here is a picture of someone else who is fearfully and wonderfully made.


The day I heard that Leah wasn't going to make it, I couldn't stop watching the miracle of Annie breathing in and out. And last night, I held her for a long time, thanking God for His goodness to me and to the Buckleys. One time while visiting Tanya, I asked if it was hard for her to spend day after day in that tiny room with no t.v. or computer or anything. She said, "I've never known how much longer I will get to hold her, so I truly enjoy every minute of it." Isn't that the truth for all of us?

This morning, we changed gears from sadness and contemplation to...the Demolition Derby. I was glad I wasn't the one driving home because I was tempted to crash the car into things after watching all that excitement!