"It seems logical. We're sporting mama bodies and we're not as young as we used to be. We don't always have time to blow dry our hair, apply make-up, perhaps even bathe (ducking). The kids are so much cuter than we are; better to just take their pictures, we think.
But we really need to make an effort to get in the picture. Our sons need to see how young and beautiful and human their mamas were. Our daughters need to see us vulnerable and open and just being ourselves -- women, mamas, people living lives. Avoiding the camera because we don't like to see our own pictures? How can that be okay?"
...
"I'm everywhere in their young lives, and yet I have very few pictures of me with them. Someday I won't be here -- and I don't know if that someday is tomorrow or thirty or forty or fifty years from now -- but I want them to have pictures of me. I want them to see the way I looked at them, see how much I loved them. I am not perfect to look at and I am not perfect to love, but I am perfectly their mother. "
That article got to me...I am always saying that when I'm gone, Jeremy should remind the kids when they look at all their pictures that don't have me in them that I was the one behind the camera taking the picture. But I think it's been a cop-out for me to say that, because frankly, behind the camera is much more comfortable...and hey, the kids are a lot cuter than me, right?
I mean, how could you not want to show off a smile like that? |
This past fall, I've been making a concerted effort to stay in more pictures. I was motivated by the article, yes, but now, as I look back on some pictures, I realize that there has been much more going on than meets the eye. My shift in mind-set has happened because of many things--a difficult transition into a new life with less friends, not being a leader anymore, rejection from numerous jobs, parenting and keeping house in such close proximity to others, adjusting to the faster-paced & fancier lifestyle of Southern CA...many things that ultimately boil down to the humility to see myself as I really am and to put myself rightly into the bigger story of what's going on in life. So here I am:
I have an age spot and a random pink bow in my hair because my daughter thought it was funny. |
My arms are plumper than I would like and my legs are a middle-aged mess, but I am playing paddle ball with my daughter and digging for sand crabs with my son at the beach. |
That's |
I wanted to delete it because of the wrinkles...but now all I see are the smiles! |
(well, mostly all the smiles and maybe the chin lines and the uncooperative smaller children...hey, it's a work in progress!) |
The change has come in more than just pictures but real life moments as well.
Like my mother-in-law who came to visit and, in spite of suffering from face-paralyzing Bells' Palsy, played with my kids and allowed me to take pictures of her...and from my kids, who didn't think twice about treating her the same even though she looked different and asymmetrical.
Or in going to MOPS as just a regular new person with no leadership position, nothing to offer except a smile, no accolades or congratulations, just being a woman hoping to fit in.
It comes in my relationship with Julie, my neighbor, who I share carpool duties and afternoons at the park with, who wears a wig because of extensive cancer treatments.
It comes from working in an environment where I am not often praised but very often corrected or critiqued...and then coming home and doing the same thing to my eldest son about his manners and propensity to clumsiness and realizing I have a lot of room to grow.
And ultimately it comes from viewing myself with "sober judgement" like one of my favorite verses says. I am not a movie star, I am not ageless or immortal, I deserve some of the correction I receive, I do not deserve to always be on top or surrounded by people who compliment me all the time, I do not have time to exercise every day because my family needs me, and I need humility. I am thankful for the lessons I am learning and the person I am becoming...wrinkles and age spots and veins and all. I hope my husband and kids see it and call it beautiful.
It's how I see MY mom, you know. Full of love and smiles and hugs...not edited or airbrushed.
...
And here are my new friends that I've met at the kids' school....because of my more humble, simpler life, I'm not always in a rush to get somewhere else or to finish some project at home, so I've had time to hang out with whoever is available at the park or McDonald's. It's not how life used to look, but it is surprisingly good and I am blessed.
(And, I'm learning that in being willing to stay in the picture, I actually end up with some keepers!)
Beautiful, poignant, and on the money! I read this because Karen said you made her cry when she read it. Thank you for your honesty and transparency. Hope you don't mind that I'm sharing it on Facebook with 2,361 of my closest friends ;)
ReplyDeleteYou are a beautiful woman whom I admire for many reasons, but mostly for your desire to grow and be all God wants you to be, even if it is way out of your comfort zone. The BP was certainly a painful learning experience for me. Hugs, Glenda
ReplyDeleteLovely post. And you are beautiful. I miss being around you all the time!
ReplyDeleteI love this post!! You are so right. We are all our own worst critics! All the things you pointed out as faults, I didn't see. I saw an fun athletic-looking mom playing at the beach with her kids...and a bright beautiful smile with sparkly blue eyes.
ReplyDeleteI need to get out from behind the camera more, you made all very valid points. THANK YOU!
Yes, I did groan! But I have made more of an effort to be in pictures...thank you for sharing the FB post that kind of changed things for me! xo
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