Working-Mom Guilt

For the past 7 months, I've been working here...in customer service.  I have felt thankfulness for the job, sheepishness at re-joining the workforce with a bunch of 18-year-olds (who frankly surprise me with how hard they work), and guilt about leaving my family a few nights a week to go to work.  I know moms are working all sorts of jobs and making ends meet with all sorts of sacrifice, so this has been eye-opening as to how they might feel no matter how much they love their jobs or how much they make.

A month or so after I started working, Annie (who isn't super into babies) came up to me with her Special Baby--holding her so sweetly and gently and whispering so quietly.

"Here is my brand new baby!  We just came from the hospital.  She's brand new.  Isn't she beautiful?"

Me (also whispering, with pride at my daughter's emerging maternal instincts in my voice):  "She IS so beautiful.  What is her name?"

Annie:  "Her name is Special Baby.  Can you hold her?" (tucks her in with a blanket in my arms).

Then, in a much more matter-of-fact and slightly bossy tone:  "Can you watch her for me?  If she cries, give her a bottle.  I'm going to work.  Goodbye."

That was a little unsettling.

But we do what we need to do, and Jeremy and I are a team and this is what we're doing (though we just decided that I would take a break for a little while).  And I just have one more thing to say now that I've worked in customer service doing returns and solving problems in a retail environment...

You get what you get and you don't throw a fit!!!

Fun 'N Games

A while ago (a long while ago...I lament the absence of my blog writing!), my sister came to visit and got to be a guest speaker in my boys' classrooms at school. She is a Lieutenant Commander in the Navy and has flown quite a few different airplanes, traveled the world, landed on aircraft carriers, and currently flies a 737. We had fun visiting the school because it is also where we went for kindergarten through 6th grade.

 

In fact, Evan is a kindergartener in the exact same classroom where Kendra and I both attended kindergarten. 

 

We looked in our old photo albums for pictures of the classroom when Kendra was a student...and we found a few to share with the kids. 

Evan got to introduce his aunt and show the class his flight suit and model aircraft carrier.  I got to squat down in my jeans to help with props and hope that my bum didn't show.

Kendra taught them how to salute and to surprise their parents by answering "Yes, sir!" or "Yes, ma'am!" that night at home...a few of my friends said they were truly surprised when their kids did!

At the end of her presentation, Kendra had the students stand up and state their name before asking a question or making a comment. The kids were so cute because they would get so distracted and nervous about addressing her officially, they would forget their question. One boy stood up, swallowed and sputtered, said his name, and then blurted out, "Your teacher was a very small person!" 

Lt. Commander Kaufman as a kindergartner...with her very small teacher, I guess.

Kendra also visited Sam's class, where the questions were a little more on topic and the students got really into saluting and playing with the toy aircraft carrier.
 

We liked looking through the old photos to find the kindergarten pictures so much that we did more of it later that night just for fun.  There were a lot of first-day-of-school pictures and other milestones.

Awesome scary van in the background.  Awesome scary hair, too.

Cheesy smile, knee highs and wood panelling!  You know you all have pictures just like this one.

There were also a lot of old family memories and awesome t-shirts.  We wished we still had fashionable shirts like those to wear today and be super rad.

Us with our grandparents, my dad's parents...love.

My dad had the awesomest beard and Hang 10 shirts, they would be so vintage now.  Also, it appears that Brad Pitt in disguise is just behind me on this ferry boat.  Thirdly, why does it appear that Kendra has a mullet?  That's just unfortunate.

Some fashion was just downright embarrassing.  And the baskets on the wall?  Glad those aren't in style anymore!

HATS!

Before razor scooters were invented, my dad made us our own homemade scooter.  He attached a handle on a regular skateboard, we added the lawn chair and curly bangs.

Looking at the funny pictures and laughing inspired us to start one-upping each other...finding the worst pictures of each other to laugh at (in true sisterly love). So I started with one like this:

 

Followed with another priceless beauty like this:

Kendra came back at me with this one:

 

And then hit me with this one:

I'm sorry, I know I'm holding a trophy but I sure don't look like a champion...and am I sticking my tongue out a little bit like the effort of holding the trophy up is too much for me?  Wow.  And Kendra's mullet's got nothing on my hairdo here.

I couldn't resist pointing out these unfortunate ones...

It's like bad costume mug shots.

And she laughed at me for being a little too big for Santa's lap.

Many were just bad of both of us...

But I especially liked this one and am contemplating posting it on her Facebook wall...

What was I thinking with the hat bill situation?

BUNNIES!

....(sigh) Puffed Sleeves!  (Anne of Green Gables reference, for those who didn't get it)

Then there was that one that Kendra really did not want me to share, and there were many that I would be mortified if you saw (most during that awkward pre-teen stage...is that called tween now?)....so we'll end with this series of ridiculousness at one of my dad's forced photo shoots with us:

Note Kendra's clenched jaw at her teenaged embarrassment and being subjected to this torture...

Can we like stop this right now before we like both embarrass ourselves?

No, clearly I had no shame.

Okay, that's it.  Let's end this.

Oh, but not without this one.  More BUNNIES!

And more HATS.  Okay, I'm really stopping now.

I hope you really enjoyed that.  We sure did.  Oh, and remember that awesome fashion from the 70's and early 80's?  I might not fit in it anymore but look at who does...

Little Isaac

A couple of years ago, I went to a garage sale. It is not noteworthy that I went to a garage sale because I go to a lot of garage sales...like, I mean my car literally turns on it's own when I spot a cardboard sign with an arrow drawn on it with a sharpie marker...so it's a wonder I would remember this one garage sale so clearly except that I only had Evan with me for some reason, and I let him buy something with some change I found in my purse. He was so sweet and excited and picked out a little stuffed animal that he named "Little Isaac". Something special about Evan is that he loves stuffed animals more than any kid I have known (including myself, which says a lot about how much he loves stuffed animals). They become alive to him and he cares for them and shares his life with them and misses them when they are apart. It's literally like having "The Velveteen Rabbit" acted out in front of me over the last few years...and I'm a sucker for that kind of stuff. It can make me cry just thinking about it.

Here's Evan being reunited with some of his animals after a trip a year ago or so

I remember when Evan came home and showed Sam his new friend, Little Isaac, and Sam pointed out (in a "brotherly love" kind of way) that Little Isaac had a pink bow and therefore could not be an Isaac. Evan's face was so concerned as he considered this information and pondered the approval of his big brother, but he stuck to his guns and declared that the animal was still named Little Isaac and that it was okay that he had a pink bow and he loved him anyway. See, doesn't it just break your heart a little?

Here's the only picture I could find of Little Isaac and Evan would probably be mad that she had him so don't tell him, okay?

Well, somehow in our move to CA, Little Isaac got lost...we think he got put in a box that I thought was going to sit in the front of our storage unit so I could come back to it later when we were more settled but Jeremy thought that it would make a good support pillar for all the furniture in the very dark back corner of our storage unit with our entire possessions stacked on it. No marital stress there upon that discovery (not). Evan was so heartbroken when we told him that Little Isaac was not to be found any time soon...he just felt so guilty that he had allowed his special friend to be put somewhere so dark and lonely. Even though I am the first to encourage my children's imaginations, I even resorted to a harsh conversation with him about how Little Isaac is just a toy! and doesn't have feelings! and we can find another toy to replace him (gasp)! but to no avail...Evan just cried and cried...for days, it seems.

And now I can't seem to get poor Little Isaac out of my head. I already went once (with Jeremy, to his credit) to burrow through the storage unit to try to rescue him...we both got sweaty and sore from contortions and straining around furniture to try to reach the box we "think" he is in, with no care for standing with our full body weight on boxes marked "Fragile" that probably contain our most (monetarily) valuable possessions, I might add...just to find a precious used stuffed dog that's a boy but wears a pink bow on his ear that was bought for 25 cents.

 Maybe it's because I look at how fast Evan is growing and that he can read now and that he might start losing teeth soon and he won't be so snuggly and will outgrow his affection for his little toys. Maybe it's because I feel nostalgic about my childhood toys and am sad that time goes by so fast. And maybe it's because my life feels sort of stuck in an in-between place and I don't know when I am going to get all my special stuff out of boxes and I can't be sure that I'll still like all my treasures when I do or if I'll ever be able to see any of them again. And what if the worst-case scenario comes true...that we finally open the boxes and find Little Isaac only to have Evan shrug his shoulders and go back to playing video games without taking a second look. That would break my heart, I think.

So I keep plotting ways to get to that box or racking my brain to think of where else Little Isaac could be hidden, all the while checking to make sure that none of Evan's teeth are loose and finding comfort in each day that he wants to bring his other stuffed animals to bed with him...and reminding myself that stuff is just stuff, even if it is really special stuff.

(I was doing pretty good until my mother-in-law called the other day and she was all choked up because she found a little pair of Evan or Sam's socks behind the bed when she was cleaning and thought about how they won't ever be that little again and how they used to sing the "Careful" song with her in their scratchy little voices...then I got all Velveteen Rabbit-y again)

****

And then there's Annie, who surprised me by putting her dolls to sleep in the refrigerator and I couldn't help but think it looked like they were dead bodies in the morgue and she was the mortician mixing up her potions and smiling at their dead bodies

And here's 3 more pics, just for fun.

.

(Oh no, Evan just came in and saw the picture of Little Isaac. He seems to be holding strong but I, on the other hand...)

(Evan made these on his own one day...for some reason he always spells "Mom" with the letters K-A-C-and I, seriously, he reads it "Mom" but spells it "Kaci" (or Kaiac, in this picture))

Have I mentioned that Evan LOVES raccoons? And that when he was in the womb, Sam called him "Raccoony"?  It's too cute!

 

Friends in Groves (and Other Places)

(disclaimer:  I use the word "super" a lot in this post.)

 Life is busy but we have been blessed to have had some nice time with friends lately.  I have been realizing that I used to think that because God gave me a strong desire to connect with other people and build deep relationships that it must be justification for why I shouldn't have to move or say goodbye to people I love so much.  I mean, I could relate to Pam Halpert in "The Office" last week when she told Jim she liked her life in Flagstaff  Scranton and didn't want to leave (my fingers literally typed Flagstaff even though I was thinking Scranton).  But lately, I've been changing my perspective (or it's being changed for me by Someone who knows better than I) to see that maybe I have this personality and ability/gift for making good friends so that I am never lonely and am able to keep in touch with friends around the world.  It is the cause of much joy (even though it means heartache in the goodbyes).

I have reconnected with a friend from high school and she has become such a kindred spirit.  And the best part is that our kids like each other a lot, too!  She took us to a secret hidden redwood grove right down the street--I had no idea it was there!

Look at Annie's sassy-ness even when lugging a giant tumbleweed behind her.  Man, the kids were oddly attached to that tumbleweed.  They wanted to take it home with us.  I'm sure my dad would have loved that as an addition to his landscaping.

Even though we were surrounded by city, it felt adventurous and free and was super fun!  Thanks, Kristen!

And then, the following weekend, I got to meet my friend and her family from Flagstaff at The Grove in LA.  They came all the way out here with their 5 kids to get a puppy from an animal shelter...must be some dog!  (You already know how I feel about this :))

Here's us waiting for them...I know there are better pictures than this one but can any other mommas relate to when you say to your spouse "Can you take a picture of me in this cute moment with my cute kids because there aren't many pictures of us together and I actually did my makeup and put on my new blingy earrings?" and then this is what you get?  A stranger's butt, a fuzzy 5-year-old, a distracted 8-year-old, a fake smile on the 3-year-old...and an earnest face on the momma who is hoping the picture will turn out good but didn't realize it was being taken right then.  And the spouse shrugs and says it turned out good and hands the camera back.  Yeah.

Oh, wait, he did take another that turned out...better-ish. 

It seems I will never tire of taking pictures of the backs of my kids.

Fronts!  Pretending that they aren't impressed with the water and music but they really were.

We met our friends and ate at the Farmer's Market which was super fun and super cool and yet a bit stressful with 8 children and 4 adults and so many choices.  Hence, no picture of dinner with all of us.  But we did find a Russian bakery and spoke Russian to the lady working but it turned out she was from Armenia or something.

What my husband lacks in photography, he makes up for immensely in situations like this where he finds the cool place with the cheap treats and gets the lady to give us a super big discount.  Okay, I will stop saying super.

Then we tried again to get a picture of my friend, Emily, and I and all our kids and this was the best "we" could do (ahem).  6 out of 8 isn't too bad, though the baby doesn't count because she was strapped in and didn't have a choice.

I have mentioned thatI have become friends with a great group of moms from Evan's class, one of whom is my neighbor, Julie, who just got finished with a year of chemo treatments.  We had a little surprise celebration for her because I knew she wanted to run an 8k to celebrate the end of treatment, but the doctor had said she wasn't ready yet.  My friend, Sara, hosted us on a rainy Friday in February.

The cupcakes had different hairstyles she might be able to wear when her hair grows in!  (and I made some that looked like her other family members that are celebrating her health as well)

I love these ladies!  And the picture was taken by Sam!

And finally, we got to see some friends from Flagstaff this weekend in Prescott, AZ.   Jeremy was asked to be the speaker at a NAU Cru retreat so he and Annie and I went and left the boys with my parents.  Annie got to be reunited with her "first best friend", Bethany.  They giggled and played in a church basement all weekend.

While we were there, we got to see our former neighbor (and good friends) Brooke (that's her arm and hair in the pic) and her daughter, Claire.  I'm so glad!

And now, sadly, we are the family that sees a sad patch of melted grey snow and gets all excited and takes a picture of our kid standing next to it. Things have changed.  We caught a glimpse of the snow-covered peaks that define Flagstaff in the distance as we pulled into Prescott and my heart definitely climbed up into my throat and I had to look away.  But hopefully we will be visiting soon!

So if you are one of my friends who is reading this from near or far, know that I appreciate you and love you and am going to do my best to stay in touch with you over the years.  And also know that I (and hopefully Pam Halpert soon) have learned that there is more joy in following my husband near or far than planting my feet firmly and refusing to leave the place where my heart longs to stay.  Just look at what I would have been missing!