Life

Things have been soooo busy! Somehow I am in 3 skits next week which all require rehearsals, creativity, and running around to find the perfect props/costumes. I guess it's clear that people see me as someone willing to make a fool of herself!

We had friends from Phoenix come to visit this weekend...here's Erik and Laynie arriving in the middle of a snowstorm (and I laughed at Heather when she asked if she should bring hats or gloves for the kids--oops!).
Jeremy and I went to Phoenix on Monday...he had to go down for his classes and we decided to stay the night and look at minivans the next day. I took the boys to the zoo during the day. I'm not sure if we had fun. I didn't even take any pictures to show here. The boys were both exhausted from the weekend of having houseguests, Evan was getting over a virus, Sam was just getting sick, and I have a watery eye...not sure why, but it sure is annoying. We arrived at 10:30 and the boys didn't want to play--they just kept bugging me about eating lunch. I found myself saying really effective things like, "Just have fun! I brought you here and paid money to get in! You couldn't possible be hungry--it's not lunchtime!" And then I realized that I was totally grumpy because I was starving. I pretended like it was my idea to eat lunch a few minutes later in order to retain the image of being in control, and things got a little better. There was a fun little water park there and Sam complained about going in and then cried his eyes out a half-an-hour later when it was time to leave it. We had to leave because Evan broke out in splotches (maybe hives???) all over his skin. I called my mom for her diagnosis over the phone--I'm not sure how I thought she would be able to help, but somehow I always want to call her first. I then asked two of the moms at the water area who recoiled a little and said, "Is it contagious?" and looked at me suspiciously as they repressed the urge to yank their kids out of the water and spray them down with antibacterial gel. We drug poor little Evan around the rest of the zoo (or maybe it should be that poor little mommy had to push two big boys around the rest of the zoo) to see the animals that we paid money to come see, for heaven's sake! (Sorry, I was just reliving it in my mind). Evan liked the Zebras and the lions, Sam liked the swinging bridge on the way up to the giraffe overlook. Sam is really bad at looking for things so it was fun trying to point out things like the cheetah "way in the corner over there, laying down"...and I was tired of straining my weepy eye to find the sleepy animals (it was 90 degrees!) for them. But, at the end of the day, they said they had fun and Evan's hives went away as quickly as they came, so it wasn't so bad, I guess. Just not alone next time. And not pregnant. And no double stroller. And not when it's so hot. And eat a bigger breakfast first.

We stayed in a hotel Monday night--which was a nice treat. The only food establishment within a 5 mile radius seemed to be Waffle House, so we walked there for dinner and breakfast. The boys swam in the evening and in the morning...which meant that they were already tired before we even started our long day of mini-van hunting. They were such troopers! We drove ALL over Phoenix looking for the perfect van for us...which isn't very motivating because, well, it's looking at minivans (gag). We were tempted by a souped up Safari with two-tone paint and heavily tinted windows, but in the end, bought a perfectly domesticated gray Honda Odyssey. I could feel gray hairs growing in all over my head by the end of the day, but I am actually quite thankful for how well our family got along during it. We got back to Flagstaff at 1 am!

One of the highlights of the day, though, was visiting a friend in the hospital in Downtown Phoenix who had delivered her baby at 28 weeks. The pregnancy had been a shock to the parents (Rob and Tanya--who have a son in the jr. high group at church). They totally thought they were done having kids. Then, there were complications, and baby Leah was delivered and then rushed to Phoenix (maybe by helicopter). Rob went, but Tanya couldn't go because of recovering from the C-section. Little Leah survived intestinal surgery and was seeming to be doing better, until it was discovered that she has cystic fibrosis. Tanya was there alone (Rob and the kids doing work and school during the week in Flagstaff) and the doctors were pressuring her to make a decision whether to continue fighting to save Leah. Anyways, all that to say that it has been pretty rough for them. We visited for a little while--during which Tanya got to hold Leah for the first time against her chest (Kangaroo care, they call it). In preparing to see them, I had prayed that God would help me find something to say about baby Leah--the kinds of things that new moms want to hear..."She's so beautiful, she has your eyes, etc." I have to admit, it was hard seeing how small she was and there was lots of medical equipment and tubes and her color wasn't great...but I kept thinking, "She looks a lot like her dad." I said it, and Tanya beamed, saying, "I know look at her chin, she is such a little copy of Rob!" God was good, and it was such a sweet reminder that little Leah isn't just a medical situation but a precious human being. Tanya seems ready to face the future...knowing so many things are uncertain and understands that God has a plan and purpose for Leah's life..."Though selfishly I want to have her for a long time," says Tanya. It was really hard to see Tanya's reaction when a nurse came up and rather coldly told her she had to put Leah back because the nurses' shift change was happening and that Tanya couldn't hold her again until tomorrow...what a heartbreak for a new mom! I think Tanya wondered if I was crying the whole time I was talking to her, because of my weepy eye, but I don't mind. I mentioned that to Jeremy afterwards and he said he could have cried in there--and I was proud that he was my husband.

On the way back up to Flagstaff, I was struggling to stay awake and was following along behind Jeremy who was driving the new car and I was wondering (stressing about) whether we made the right decision and if it was going to break down tomorrow. I put in my Sara Groves CD called "Station Wagon: Songs for Parents" and began singing along to sweet songs with lyrics like:

I do not know how I am to pray for this child
as a mother I don't want my baby denied
but in the waiting in the waiting
I learned

every instinct in me wants to shield him from pain
take the arrows of misery heartache and blame
but in the sorrow in the sorrow
I learned to hold on

I only have two eyes - be all seeing
I only have two hands - be everywhere
I do not know enough - to be all knowing
I give this baby up into your care

I do not know how, how to pray for this child
I want to guard her from everything wicked and wild
but in the trial in the trial
I learned to hold on
And in the trial, in the trial
I learned to hold on to the heart of God

or

beautiful child right from the moment you were born
you overtook my heart my world
my beautiful child

tender and sweet both in your crying and your sleep
you radiate a sense of hope
you're beautiful

And I have seen the most amazing sights
in my travels on the earth
misty seas and amber harbor lights
and other things of matchless worth

but next to you all of the beauty seems so plain
you would think I'd never seen a beautiful thing

And I have seen the most amazing sights
in my travels on the earth
seven sacred pools on starry nights
and other things of matchless worth

but next to you all of the beauty seems so plain
you would think i'd never seen a beautiful thing

I have seen the most amazing sights
in my travels on the earth
moonlight sleeping on the canyon heights
and other things of matchless worth

but next to you all of the beauty seems so plain
you would think i'd never seen a beautiful thing

As I listened to the words, I thought of Tanya and Leah and realized that it didn't matter if we had bought the right van or not. I just kept picturing the gentleness of Tanya as she held that tiny baby and caressed her hair and dared to hope that she would have a future. I think I cried all the way to Flagstaff, and I have tears on my cheeks as I write this. Thank you, God, for the gift of children and the gift of trusting in you. I thank You for Leah Buckley's life and pray that you give Tanya and her family the strength to go on trusting you and loving her. And I pray selfishly that we would meet Leah in Flagstaff someday...at the end of this long, long, trial. Your will be done.
(Sam and Evan--June 2007)